A Car Going The Wrong Way!

Driving Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!”

Herman said, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”

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The Perfect Job

The Perfect Job

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I just couldn’t concentrate on the same old boring rind, so I got canned.
Next, I became a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I was employed at a diet center, but I got downsized.
I became a baker, but I turned out to be a loafer and couldn’t make enough dough.
Then I opened a doughnut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.

I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.
I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.
Next I worked in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I became a drill press operator, but the job was too boring.
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The Inkblot Test

Inkblot Test

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees.

The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”

The patient says: “What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.”

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The Silver Gravy Ladle

Silver Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate, Julie, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

That evening John received a reply from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver gravy ladle under her pillow by now. Mom”

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Long Time No Action

Long Time No Action

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of terrible action on the battlefront.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady could not help herself. She said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you have seen action of the other kind, I mean the one in the bedroom?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no action since 1955!”

She then boldly took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I Hope Not; It’s only 2130 now.”

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