My Sad Story

Sad Story

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. Their rooms were on the 30th floor.

Unfortunately for them, the elevators were not working. They made a plan that for the first 10 floors, Tom will crack jokes.

The next 10 floors Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps

After climbing 20 floors it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot our room keys downstairs!”

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The Highway Patrol

The Highway Patrol

An elderly couple was driving cross-country with the old man at the wheel. They got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The female officer says, “Sir, did you know that you were speeding?”

The man turns to his wife and asks, “what did she say?” The woman yells, “She says you were speeding.”

The patrolwoman says, “May I see your driver’s license?”

He again turns to his wife and asks, “what did she say?” The woman yells, “she wants to see your license.”

The old man gives her his license and the patrolwoman looks at it and says, “I see you’re from Arkansas. I spent some time there once.” She then leaned over and whispered to the woman, “Had the worst sex I ever had.”

The man turns to his wife and asks, “what did she say?” The wife yells, “She thinks she knows you.”

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Credit: Source unknown. Came to us via e-mail.

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Texas Shooter

Texas Shooter

“What’s that drink you’re mixing” the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

“I call it a lil’ Texas Shooter”, said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

“What’s in it?” asked the stranger.

“Sugar, milk and rum.” said the barkeep.

“Is it good?” asked the man.

“Sure is senor,” said the bartender smiling. “The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy.”

“And the rum?” asked the stranger.

“Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy.” Quipped the bartender.

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Credit: Source unknown. Came to us via e-mail.

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My Life Has No Purpose

My Life Has No Purpose

If you are happy then let it be and just be.

This is classic Charles Schulz. At his retirement in 1999 Schulz was being published in over 2600 newspapers, and his book collection was translated in 25 languages. Not bad for a person who described his life as being “one of rejection”.

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Wish This Guy Was My Neighbor

Wish This Guy Was Neighbor

The above note was a prelude to the following hilarious e-mail exchange:

From: Justin Flecker
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you can’t go onto other peoples property and take things, that’s trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It’s a safety issue. I can’t help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.

From: David Thorner
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,

Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.

Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away besides and up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino’s Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times towards the door, and sprang to my feed holding the welcome mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn’t Borneo and I I’m not Jack London.

I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.

As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can’t help it if some of the gas goes across the road.

Regards, David.

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