How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

Court Reporter

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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English Driver

English Driver

In France, an English guy was stopped and asked to take a breathalyzer test.

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies:

“Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter’s wedding, and as I don’t like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers. Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)… a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)…a Faugeres. Then to finish off the celebrations… (hic) during the evening, me and my mate downed a bottle of Johnny Walker’s black label.”

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him: “Do you understand I’m a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test?”

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies: “Do you understand that I’m English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?”

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Men And Gorillas

Gorilla In The Zoo

A married couple visiting a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: ‘Mark, Do you know that gorillas are animals which resemble men in their behavior? I want to see if I can arouse the gorilla.’

Seeing that nobody was around she leaned forward and allowed the gorilla a view of her cleavage.

Sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

‘See,’ says the woman, ‘Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can’t control their animal instincts just like gorillas can’t.’

Says Mark: ‘This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up slightly, and let us see what happens!’

The woman pulls her skirt up seductively. The gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: ‘Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!’

Mark replies: ‘Now, tell him you have a headache and you’re not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same!’

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Best Friend

Best Friend

Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another. Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.

“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.

“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”

“Hey wait a second!” Said Mark, “Aren’t I your best friend?”

“Not any more,” Tom said smiling.

“He is!”

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Workplace Theft

Workplace Theft

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory where there had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift. Every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.”

The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”

“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”

“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”

“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”

“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?”.

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