A Happy Confession?

Confession Box

A teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.

“I promised not to tell!” he says.

“Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the priest asks.

“No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.”

“Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?”

“No, and I still won’t tell!”

“Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?”

“No,” says the boy.

‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.”

Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

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Degrees Fahrenheit

Thermometer Cold

Degrees Fahrenheit:

60º Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
50º Miami residents turn on the heat.
40º You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
32º Water freezes.
30º You plan your vacation to Australia.
25º Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
20º Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, Miami residents plan vacation further South.
15º Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10º You need jumper cables to get the car going.
0º Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10º Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15º You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
-18 Miami residents cease to exist.
-20º Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
-25º Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30º You plan a two week hot bath.
-40º Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters.
-45 Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50º Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80º Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South.
-90º Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

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April Fool Prank By Math Professor

A math professor pulls a fast one on his class in this brilliant April fool’s prank. This has gone viral and has millions of views. Will put a smile on your face.

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The Wonderful Husband

Wonderful Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: ‘Hello’

Woman: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’

Man: ‘Yes’

Woman: ‘I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?’

Man: ‘Sure, go ahead if you really like it.’

Woman: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 Models. I saw one I really liked.’

Man: ‘How much?’

Woman: ‘$98,000′

Man: ‘OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.’

Woman: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.’

Man: ‘well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it’s really a pretty good price.’

Woman: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!’

Man: “You’re worth it. ‘Bye!’

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths agape.

The “wonderful husband” turns and asks: “Anybody knows whose phone this is?”

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Milk

Milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: “DON’T SELL THAT COW!!”

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