A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied: “Yes, we did look, But your client didn’t.”
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Marty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.
“Imagine that, Marty,” she says, “someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that’s what I call will power – something that you definitely don’t have.”
But, Sadie hadn’t finished.
“And that’s not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking – another example of the kind of will power that you don’t have.”
“OK, Sadie,” said Marty, “you want to see will power, do you? Well here’s will power. I am going to sleep on the couch in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won’t be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman.”
Marty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his door.
Marty shouts out, “What do you want?”
Sadie replies, “Marvin has started smoking again.”
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If you can live without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without long lasting resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
–Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!
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Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for. When it was Jerry’s turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years.
“Wow!” The leader gushed, “that’s amazing, perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stayed married for so long.”
“Well,” Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips, and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas!”
“Well that’s really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us,” the lady said. “Maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary,” she said with a smile.
“Well,” Jerry said, “This is why I am here. I’m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up!”
You can find this and more here.
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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to a young preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here!
You can find this joke and more here.
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