Driver’s License

Young Girl Questions MommyA mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house. ‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘these are personal questions you should not be asking a lady!’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as she drops her daughter at her friends place.

‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 160 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?

‘Because you got an F in sex!’

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Pregnancy And Childbirth Advice

Pregnancy Advice
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after finishing high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again?
A. When your child is in college.

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A Very Important Person

Very Important PersonThe Pope was visiting the US. When his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to a city 100 miles away for his speaking engagement.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

“You know” he said, “I am 81 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

The Pope got into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.The long white limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. Continue reading

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Arithmetic Problem?

Girl raising hand in classroom

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, half to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Mindy raised her hand.

The teacher called on Mindy for her answer.

With complete sincerity in her voice, Mindy said, “A lawyer!”

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Goodbye Mom!

Using Credit Card at Register
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

He answered, “That’s okay.”

“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mom’ as I checkout, it would make me feel so happy.”

She then went through the checkout and the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and left the store.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries. “That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.

“How come so much? I only bought 5 items.”

The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”

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