I Got Detention!

Detention Today

A child comes home late.

Mom: Johnny why are you late?

Johnny: Mom i got a detention today!

Mom: Why?

Johnny: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said “at the end of this ruler is an idiot”.

Mom: Yeah so?

Johnny: I asked what end?

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Goodbye Dad!

Goodbye Dad

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers “God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa.”

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, Grandfather died.

About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again “God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy.”

The next day grandmother died.

Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his son’s prayers. “God Bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy.”

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss traffic. He stayed indoor through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife, “I am sorry honey. I had a very bad day at work today.”

“You think you’ve had a bad day?”, the wife responded, “The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!”

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The Seventh Cat

Seventh Cat

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples, and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

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Dumbest Kid

Dumbest Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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The Reason I’m Tired!

Reason Im Tired

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 300 million. 120 million are retired or not looking for work. That leaves 180 million to do the work.

At any given time 47 million people are out of the country or on a vacation. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!

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