Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap,”
(and that would be how???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see!
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it – Ticketed 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Credit: Submitted by Mitchell Hauser to Readers Digest here.
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big man steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The big guy says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears, “This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison.”
Credit: Source Unknown
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Scientists and philosophers were invited for a conference in heaven. Here is how they responded:
Newton said he’d drop in.
Descartes said he’d think about it.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin said he’d wait to see what evolved.
Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
Volta was electrified at the prospect
Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn’t current.
Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
Edison thought it would be illuminating.
Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Dr Jekyll declined – he said he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
Morse said, “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now, must dash.”
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wright brothers accepted, provided they could get a flight.
Aryabhatta zeroed in.
Bell said he would telephone and confirm.
Credit: Source Unknown