Bloopers from Church Bulletin Boards

Church Bloopers

* Don’t let worry kill you–let the church help.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
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Aplomb

Aplomb

Bertie Wooster was in the study when his butler (okay, manservant) Jeeves approached and coughed discreetly.

“May I ask you a question my lord?”

“By all means, Jeeves,” said Bertie.

“I am doing the crossword and I have found a word with which I am unfamiliar.”

“What word is that?” said his lordship.

“Aplomb, my lord. ”

“Now that’s a difficult one to explain I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

“Thank you, Sir, but I’m still a little confused.”

“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us at Aunt Agatha’s place?”

“I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

“Also,” continued Bertie Wooster, “do you remember when the Duke plucked a bloom for the Duchess
in the rose garden?”

“I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”

“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

Jeeves replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and wrap a bandage on his thumb using her own dainty handkerchief, after sucking the thumb gently to stop the bleeding. Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

Bertie Wooster: “Jeeves, the next morning while you were pouring tea for Her Ladyship, the Duchess asked the Duke in a loud voice, ‘Darling is your prick still throbbing?’

“And you, Jeeves, did not spill one drop of tea! Now that is aplomb!”

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Credit: Source unknown. Came to us via e-mail.

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Against The Law Of Nature

Butter Side Up

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
​​ ​
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr. Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings the priest into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

“Well,” Fr. Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin. The final ruling ​was​ negative, however. It read:

“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy’s having buttered the toast on the wrong side!!”

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The Shopkeeper’s Dilemma

Shopkeepers Dilemma

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read:
BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading:
LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read:
MAIN ENTRANCE.

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Credit: Source unknown.

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The Lion’s Cage

This short video reminds us of the timeless essence of Charlie Chaplin comedy. It shows us why we love Charlie Chaplin so much, with his endearing and innocent comedy.

Once you have stopped laughing, please share so that others too may enjoy this.

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