Here are some one liners you may use:
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. -Anonymous
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film. -Anonymous
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. -Anonymous
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? -Anonymous
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. -Mark Twain
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. -Robert Bloch
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. -P. J. O’Rourke