
The above note was a prelude to the following hilarious e-mail exchange:
From: Justin Flecker
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp
I received your note but you can’t go onto other peoples property and take things, that’s trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It’s a safety issue. I can’t help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.
From: David Thorner
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp
Hello Justin,
Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.
Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away besides and up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino’s Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times towards the door, and sprang to my feed holding the welcome mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn’t Borneo and I I’m not Jack London.
I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.
As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can’t help it if some of the gas goes across the road.
Regards, David.
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