If you`re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he`s the comic who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen… and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently from most of us, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you`re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I intend to live forever……so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don`t get sucked into jet engines.
My mechanic told me, “I couldn`t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
If at first you don`t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don`t have film.
I`d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don`t expect it back.
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